Again, I am doing the same thing. I am repeating mechanical actions. I repeat them mechanically. Everybody does this, why should I stand out? But there is one thing. This tiny thing… I am not just creating, I am thinking about it as well, and before creating I must think. Yes, I know, everybody thinks, but does everybody create? And they who are creating, do they think about it? Is their act thought out?
Thinkers believed that in the future man would save himself through a new art that liberates. ‘I create in order to feel free’. What a delusion! ‘To create’ is a fundamental piece of my own being and the only thing that is free in this process is the free choice of what I am creating. Yes, I am creating multi versions of a same, but think – can there be the existence of one being who is identical to its own if there are many versions of the same? Be careful. Is there a man or many versions of the one? Am I a man or a version?
I cannot be an esthete, I have to be practical. At least to produce and production is not the same thing as a creation. While I am creating, I am feeling the fulfillment of my own being who is telling me that my true identity is constantly creating itself. Daily perception comes to me through repetition without end. All of these mechanical actions get their own meaning. They are not only actions but something meaningful, something very close to me.
I know I have to change myself in order to fit the moment. But eventually, the moment will not suit me. It took me over some epidemic nostalgia. I am tired of this cult of affection and I don’t want to constantly change myself in order to be appealing. I want to let go and to meditate. My true desire is to leave this dusty today and to be dedicated to what is my actual essence. In order to feel again like a unique personality, I must continue to create. All of the mechanical things I must take down to a minimum and invest all my strength to be myself again. And when I am myself? It is very odd to set up the question in this way and to expect a meaningful and logical definition.
About myself, I can think and feel but it cannot be expressed in any other way except through creation. I have to use the actual performance that can later be the subject of idolization. People constantly create cults because they have an innate need for idols. I have to show the double reflected reality that has enough space for a man and for his idols until he becomes a subject of idolization to himself. At that point, he becomes a creator.
~ Zorica ~